I Fought A Bear (And The Bear Won) by Liam Herne
(From July 2013)

I was bored in the summer sun
So I fought a bear and the bear won

Used my bare fists, I should have used a gun
I fought a bear and the bear won

Everyone mocked me, I felt bad
My ego was thoroughly bruised
So I went on a worldwide fighting spree
Against animals to whom I couldn’t lose

I travelled the cities looking for beasts
I inflicted several Chinese burns on geese.
I traversed mountains, I crossed lakes
I battered hedgehogs around the heads with rakes

I searched underground in caverns and caves
I sent hundreds of seahorses to early graves
I sailed the seas on pirate boats
I swung turkeys around by their throats

I caught a plane and flew into the sky
I threw acid in an albatross’ eyes
When I landed I saw the RSPCA
I found a big stick and chased them away

Now I had satisfied my animal bloodlust
One more animal vanquish, I must!
I was prepared for my final bout
I’m gonna find that bear and knock him out

I wandered back to where it all begun
I fought a bear and the bear won.

I lost my right eye and my left lung
I fought a bear and the bear won.